Welcome back from my self imposed break. I had to put off a lot of activities to focus on something else. I did not abandon you all, I just had take a break and handle other matters.
So what’s for today? A topic that has been trending only in my head as a result of what I have heard and seen around me. Women think that when a man marries them or proposes to them that means he is doing them a favor. I will explain things to you to help you understand why you feel that way and why you shouldn’t feel that way.
Remember this question -Will you marry me?. I am sure a lot of us have heard it and a lot of us are eager to hear him say it. Pause and think. Why would he ask you to marry him? A lot is embedded in this simple question.
- You are his helpmate: the word helpmate means a helpful companion or partner. One who literally helps. In the true sense, anyone who helps you is doing you a favor not the other way round. So when he said ‘will you marry me?, he meant will you be my helpmate. He realized that you are an important person that can make his life easier. I baffle when women get so excited at a question like this, without even understanding the context. Women get so happy when a man proposes, when he should even be happier that you accepted. Listen up moms- It is a privilege for him to be married to you not the other way round. The moment you say I do, you lose the right to be you isn’t it? any attempt to be you the world frowns at it.
- You change your name: after you have said yes to him and the ceremony takes place, the next thing the society expects from you is to change your name to prove you belong to him. Why?, I thought he wanted you to help. Why do you have to change your name? but we do. You let go of your name, your identity and automatically take on his. If you do otherwise, people get mad at you. Hmmm.
- You carry his kids: pregnancy, nursing and a lot more changes your body and you realize you are no longer the person you use to be. In some cases, he supports you and in other cases, you do everything to make sure the marriage works. Why? because you start thinking if you don’t, you will lose him.
- They bear His name: in all the pregnancies, the only credit you probably get is the fact that you are now a mom but they kids bear his name and again proves to you, he owns everything.
- You forget your dreams: your dreams at this point does not matter anymore because yet again – you have much more responsibilities and all you think of is him and his kids.
- You build a home: building a home is difficult but that’s what you do. Why? because it is what you are called to do.
- You build his career: this was why he married you in the first place. Remember if you do not support his career, you become a wicked woman. People really do not care why he does not support yours, it is one sided.
The question I have is where are you in all these? What was the excitement on the day he proposed. Was he not suppose to be the one dancing and jumping that you said yes rather than the other way round. Marriage is not as straight forward as people put it. Before we push our loved ones into marriage, we have to weigh the pros and cons. We have to tell them the truth and stop making them believe its a bed of roses. When we know the truth. Why do we always feel obliged to do all he says and be all he wants, why do we still celebrate when he his the one to rejoice in all this? I can’t still understand why people jump up and down when a man proposes to them, if your answer is love then you have a lot more coming. If and when he does, set your terms clear with that he knows you know. Don’t be fooled. Get married but with some understanding of who you are. If not he will make you feel less of yourself. You are a life helper, in all circumstances, do not jump into saying yes to helping him. Pause and think deep, if he is worth loosing yourself for.
I hope I made a bit of sense today? I feel this article has not captured my whole thoughts, let me know what you think. Feel free to be part of our community. For Moms By Moms.
I am Dr. Christiana Stephen, a wife, a mom of 4 under 4 year old kids, a photo lover, makeup artist, a wellness coach and a lecturer. Motherhood for me is ongoing, its a period of learning and unlearning. I am passionate about a lot of things but most importantly helping mothers around the work reach their wellness goals comes as top priority. Hence, I have created this community for every woman out there. Feel free to be part of this amazing journey of motherhood and wellness. I will say raising this community is inspired by my experience and learning process. The main essence is to empower moms on the benefits of healthy living as well as the need to create a life work balance.
I am nice so a lot of people say and I believe I am very approachable even when there is a lot to be done. I love teaching. I can teach on a lot of things including time and stress management.