Written By Christiana Stephen,
‘YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy’
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Photo From Getty Image
Domestic Violence has become a very pressing situation in our world. a lot of people have talked about it, a lot have written about it, but how many are ready to take a stand against it? domestic violence is a very terrible display and believe me-there is always a start to it.
According to online dictionary ‘it is violent or aggressive behaviour within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner’. So it is not just against the woman, it can also be against the man.
However, domestic violence should not be taken likely. It is sad to know that a lot of times people give excuses for it. I have heard excuses like- it was my fault, he would not do it again, he loves me, it was a mistake and all sorts of unbelievable excuses. In some situations, women would say I am staying because of my kids. For Heaven’s sake-The question I have is what if you die just in the presence of your kids? Wherever the idea of raising hands on a spouse came from-this should be discouraged in our society.
The very first day he sets his hands on you- he cries and apologises, then goes an extra mile TO buy you a gift. You wave it aside and forgive him, after all, thats what is demanded of you. then he does it again and again to the point that you start giving excuses for him. When will it ever end? your kids grow to see such treatment and consider it a norm and a common thing because Mommy went through it then i should go through it.
I know that marriage is a very sensitive topic to explore but i also believe that hitting your spouse is a very dangerous thing to do.
Ways to Stand Against Domestic Violence
- Speak out: do not lie about the situation. when he hits you- why tell people you fell from the stairs why tell people i pushed him to the wall.
- Seek for help: in some society it has become a norm and corruption is very obvious but seek for help. it could be with family, friends or the media.
- Move away: this is a difficult situation because i hear people asking me- where do I go, i have known him all my life? do not wait for it to be unbearable -always move away form the scene and the situation.
- Protect Yourself- It is very important to protect yourself always. it is only with that you can protect your kids.
- Teach your kids: It is never too early to train your kids- stop saying they are just kids when the display such tendencies of becoming bullies. I have a girl and 3 boys and under no account will i allow my son hit my daughter or allow my daughter bully my son. train your kids form the beginning.
- Equip your girl child: our girls will grow up to be moms like us and we must equip them for the future-nothing is a do or die, if it is not working and it is life threatening teach them to take a walk. gone are the days when parents will say- that’s how men are, we endured it so you can. My tip- I am taking my girl to a karate school t learn self confidence and self defence. Apart form domestic violence, it is good because our world is fast changing and girls must be strong.
“The guarantee of safety in a battering relationship can never be based upon a promise from the perpetrator, no matter how heartfelt. Rather, it must be based upon the self-protective capability of the victim. Until the victim has developed a detailed and realistic contingency plan and has demonstrated her ability to carry it out, she remains in danger of repeated abuse.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror.
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I am Dr. Christiana Stephen, a wife, a mom of 4 under 4 year old kids, a photo lover, makeup artist, a wellness coach and a lecturer. Motherhood for me is ongoing, its a period of learning and unlearning. I am passionate about a lot of things but most importantly helping mothers around the work reach their wellness goals comes as top priority. Hence, I have created this community for every woman out there. Feel free to be part of this amazing journey of motherhood and wellness. I will say raising this community is inspired by my experience and learning process. The main essence is to empower moms on the benefits of healthy living as well as the need to create a life work balance.
I am nice so a lot of people say and I believe I am very approachable even when there is a lot to be done. I love teaching. I can teach on a lot of things including time and stress management.